Forgiving is not easy

I don't think so I can afford to forgive anyone from today onwards, even cannot forgive myself for not forgiving you all.

Ohhhhh.....like I don't have a troubled or screwed up past/childhood.

I had enough of forgiving people. I just noticed.......I've forgave people who don't seem to

1)Care
2)Bother
3)Like me

My childhood life was so screwed up, some times I envy the other kids who have better lives. What, you think kindergarden I had a bunch of friends ah? Oh hell no I didn't!! I didn't even have a single friend whom I can talk,play,laugh,share and so on. Guess what, I was so bloody dumbfounded, I continued to put a smile on my face for many years during kindergarden.

Don't even think that even you can be an outcast in your own family. One time I even remembered that one of my uncles said this to me

"You in this family meh? Your surname different oh..."

I wouldn't be so in vein to say that I had a mature mind when I was 6, but at least I did understand. I continued to laugh on after my uncle said it. Fine, I forgive him for saying that to me. Just because my grandma treats me better than my cousins doesn't mean I took advantage of it against you all!!! I wanted to be equal with my cousins, means no more extra money from my grandma during Chinese New Year compared to the others, no more special places and so on. You think I enjoyed it?! I didn't even wanted to be treated special than the others. What am I? VIP?

My dad had called me useless for so many times because I wasn't so fucking bright in kindergarden and primary school. I forgave him.

During my 6 years at S.J.K (c) Tsun Jin, I thought I would able to make alot of friends, but not even half of who I know who are only my many few trustworthy friends. The rest, you can say they make use of me because I was too kind to them.

Oh perasan ah? Say yourself kind.

Well damn it!!! I deserve to say that I was kind to everyone in my class and forgave them for spreading bad gossip about me, betraying me, fong-fei-kei-ed me, lying to me, make use of my kindness for their own, rejecting me, hurt me and many more. Yes damn it!! I deserve to say that I was kind to everyone in primary school, that I even have the heart to put a smile on my face after hearing them confessing, one by one to me!!!

You think I hadn't had a hard time in church, guess what? I did. I was the only Chinese youth in my church, River of Christ. To tell you the truth, I really wanted to have friends in church too. Well too bad, ask my mum, she's been following the same church since or even before I was born. Fine, it's an English church, and majority of the race is Indian. Well, just because I'm the only bloody Chinese in this church doesn't mean you have to look at my skin colour, then only confirm to whether be my friend or not. Do you people even know, that this hurts? Is it just because of my race, then only you set aside me?

Ohh....the worst has yet to come. Secondary school, Seri Mutiara. Well God forbid maybe I will make friends who are even better that the ones I had during kindergarden and primary school time. Well, 1B was ok, I got a few good friends. Then the old past came and haunt me. My friends during form 1,2,3 started to use me for their own good. You think I didn't realized ah? What am I? A retard?

Ok, let's put it this way, start from last year, I have forgiven so many times.
Including....
I forgave Kerrie for not treating me as her boyfriend for more than 2 months.
I forgave Mohd. Joshua for being a pain in the ass for me.
I forgave Wilfred for telling all my secrets to her mother, Pn.Elizabeth.
I forgave Erwan, for choking me.
I forgave Amirul for being so irritating.
I forgave Wei Jian, for playing tricks on me.
I forgave Hao Yang, for causing so much problems to me.
I forgave Yee Khai, for being nosey and not respecting people's privacy while chatting MSN.
I forgave my fellow youth members in church for not treating me good.

Now this year............I hope for a better year, but no......I had to
Forgive Weng Fai, Kenny, Hui Xian, Kamumalu, Justina, Michele, Sammy and many more.....
for not coming to my birthday outing, which he promised to come.
Forgive Mr.Chew, for being soft.
Forgive my classmates, for creating so many noises.

That's alot.............

Until someone added salt to my wound.

You promised me to go Jusco, with Shu Teng and gang to eat KFC.
You say belanja, fine, I bring only a little money.
Waited there from 1 - nearly 3:30 p.m.
Phoned Yong Shan, cause thought you are in her house.
No, Yong Shan told me you're surpose to be there too.
Fine, I wait, until I got fed up and had a little bit of gastric.
Took a taxi to Yong Shan's house.
Had Shandy for refilling. Not a smart way though.

Went back home, had to lie to my parents that I had a tummy-full lunch.
My parents thought I was full, so they cook little for me to eat.
Had to tahan until this morning 6 a.m. Finally, can eat.

Today, you don't even have the heart to personally apologize to me, you ask Shu Teng to pass your apology.

All I can say is...wow.

The more I start to forgive people, the more they won't appreciate me being their 'very forgiving' friend. They will take advantage of me.

For slightly more than 10 years......I've been forgiving people who hurt me or disappointed me so bad.

God says......

"Forgive and forget".

This year, the word that you'll be hearing or describing me is

HARSH .